


PMS (pre moon syndrome) is a bitch

by Eiso



Series: monster au [1]
Category: Let's Play Cyberpunk Red - Polygon (Web Series)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:20:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eiso/pseuds/Eiso
Summary: "the whole thing was putting them a little bit on edge so Vang0 did just have to check and make sure that Burger wasn’t, in fact, dying -- he was “fine, don’t worry ‘bout me it’s just that time of the month, ya know?” -- and Vang0 hadn’t actually realised that Burger was trans but cool, good for him"a.k.a. 5 times Burger’s partners helped out during his time of the month +1 time they realized what he actually meant by that
Relationships: Vang0 Bang0/Dapper Dasha/Burger Chainz
Series: monster au [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2095569
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	PMS (pre moon syndrome) is a bitch

**Author's Note:**

> A monster au? When it’s not even halloween? It’s more likely than you think  
> Thanks to Marley for once again being a wonderful beta!  
> tw for blood/gore, body horror

1.

It was, admittedly, a bit of a shock when Vang0 opened the door of Burger’s van to find their partner curled up in bed at three in the afternoon, Burger was usually the worst sort of morning person, so honestly seeing him asleep anytime past about ten was a surprise, but Vang0 took it relatively well if they do say so themself -- sure, they might have poked him with the butt of their shotgun a couple times just to make sure that he was alive, but that was completely reasonable, they’d never seen him asleep this late before -- and didn’t even complain too much when Burger instinctively put them into an arm-lock upon being startled awake, so they think they handled the whole situation wonderfully. 

Still, the whole thing was putting them a little bit on edge so Vang0 did just have to check and make sure that Burger wasn’t, in fact, dying -- he was “fine, don’t worry ‘bout me it’s just that time of the month, ya know?” -- and Vang0 hadn’t actually realised that Burger was trans but cool, good for him (Burger is still using he/him, right? cool just checking), did he want them to come back with some imitation-chocolate or ibuprofen, or they think that Hypo might have some of the good stuff from the latest trauma team shipment they could try to snag some of that, or --

Burger cut Vang0 off as he pulled them down to lay next to him, and he must have still been mostly asleep because he used a little more force than usual and Vang0 flopped onto his chest with all their weight and knocked the air out of both of them -- Burger let out a wheeze of pain as Vang0’s knee drove directly into his gut while Vang0 rubbed at the red spot where their forehead had bounced off his jaw -- and after muttering an apology under Vang0’s whining about him being “too strong for your own good, give your muscles a few days off you damn himbo,” explained that actually he was kinda allergic to chocolate and he’d already taken some pain meds so really he’d much prefer if Vang0 just stayed and cuddled for a bit, if they didn’t have anything else going on?

And maybe Vang0 had been planning on streaming later, but they could always do that another day, so they settled down with their back against the seats while Burger curled up next to them and they traced blueprints across his back and told him about the new code they were working on for Jumptrash until his murmured responses faded into lazy hums faded into gentle snores -- at which point they called Dasha because while it might have been understandable that Burger would go back to sleep they still wanted someone to bounce ideas off of and she owed them for that embarrassing cover a couple jobs ago so she probably wouldn’t hang up on them until they finally worked out why the latest update was turning everything into uwu-speech -- and pulled the blanket back up over Burger’s shoulders before settling in for a long afternoon of tech-work turning Juwumptwash back to normal.

2.

Given the pounding music she could hear through the shattered side window as she approached the van, Dasha was expecting a bit of a mess when she opened the door, but nothing could have prepared her for the complete carnage that greeted her -- there was broken glass and shredded fabric everywhere, what appeared to be the contents of Burger’s entire toolbox scattered across the floor, his agent had apparently been chucked against the wall or the floor or perhaps just punched a few times based on the way it was laying shattered in the corner, and huh, that explained why Burger hadn’t been responding to her texts, at least, but the more pressing thing in all of this was that

Burger was curled up against the back of the passenger seat, hitting his head against the door in time with the music as he tore another strip off his blanket and proceeded to reduce it to little more than threads, and Dasha knew that being understimulated bothered him more than normal this time of the month but usually it could be solved by having him rearrange her living room or bash some asshole’s head in or lug some boxes around for Hypo or something, why Burger hadn’t called her up for a job or even just gone over to Vang0’s place to work off some steam playing sixnite she had no idea, but whatever, she was here now, she could fix this whole mess, so

Dasha carefully stepped over the glass and slid one hand between Burger’s head and the door, put her other hand in his and suppressed a wince as he squeezed it just a little too hard to be comfortable, told him to “put the blanket down, you’ll want it later, let’s go find something to do before you give yourself a concussion, you really can’t afford to lose the few braincells you have left, you know,” waited for him to nod and still his bouncing legs for long enough to stand and follow her out of the van, then headed out to find some trouble.

Unfortunately, trouble seemed to be taking the day off, so they ended up wandering through the local black-market, Burger following close at Dasha’s heels with twitching fingers and a frustrated grimace that warned off any potential pickpockets, and the normal riffraff was darting out of the way rather than being useful for once in their miserable lives and providing a good distraction, so 

Dasha knew that she’d have to pull out the (metaphorical) big guns here, she’d managed to keep it a secret from her partners so far but every secret had to come out sometime, hopefully Burger could forgive her for concealing it from him, hopefully he’d agree to keep quiet -- Dasha turned abruptly as she made up her mind, left on 42nd then straight on until 314th, knock shave-and-a-haircut on the back door three buildings down, a quick retina scan and a promise to vouch for her guest, and

The door swung open to reveal a familiar kitchen -- faded green tile covered in flour and sugar, tarnished brass pots hanging from the ceiling and faux-glass jars filled with various baking ingredients lining the walls, a row of antique ovens filling the room with the scent of honest-to-god real flour and yeast bread, and in the center of it all -- “Dasha! So wonderful to see you again, I wasn’t expecting you until Tuesday, but you know you’re always welcome here sweetheart, come give me a hug and introduce me to- oh this must be Burger, I’ve heard so much about you” -- 

Dasha closed the door and gingerly accepted the hug, mentally sighing at the flour that was almost certainly going to completely cover her clothes by the end of the day, before she turned back to Burger and explained that “this is my -- well, I call her my grandma but I’m like ninety percent sure she murdered my real grandma and took her place, she went on vacation when I was fourteen and came back a much better person -- but anyways! We’re gonna help her bake some bread, tell Vang0 about this and I’ll kill you,” and rolled up her sleeves to get started -- if Burger had any energy left by the time he’d finished kneading his third batch of dough she’d eat her h- well she didn’t actually have a hat, she’d let him bring Vang0 next time or something horrible like that.

3.

The van was still down a window and it had been pretty cold recently, so Vang0 had convinced -- it wasn’t _bullying_ , shut up Dasha -- _convinced_ Burger to stay with them for a few days until he could get it replaced -- sure, he could be a bit of a pain to deal with when he was PMSing but Vang0 would deal, what kind of a partner would they be if they couldn’t deal with their boyfriend being grouchy every so often, and anyways, Burger put up with their bullshit on a much more frequent basis, Vang0 could handle him bitching at them for a day or two,

So Burger was staying with them for the night, and Dasha was out doing a favor for one of her contacts, and Vang0 was coming home with a fancy new heated blanket from the local Wal-mazon -- that they had purchased legally and definitely didn’t steal, the alarm going off as they left the store was just a coincidence -- some stupid action movie that they really _had_ purchased somewhat-legally from the local black-market (because supporting local businesses was important), and a jumbo bottle of painkillers they’d snagged from Hypo on the way back.

The movie wasn’t anything particularly groundbreaking, but Vang0 had their head in Burger’s lap, the blanket warm against their neck and Burger’s hand stroking clumsy through their hair and the explosions bright and loud onscreen, so they were having a pretty good time -- the plot was ridiculous though, the main character was a moron, he’d been told not ten minutes before that he had to cut the green wire to diffuse the bomb and he had his knife under the red one, he was going to get them all killed, and 

Burger was frowning down at Vang0 and saying “but he is cutting the green wire, what are you talking about” and um, no, that was clearly the red wire, was Burger _blind_ , and Burger’s face fell as his hand left Vang0’s hair to poke at his cam-eye, muttering something about faulty wiring and -- wait, holy shit, _was_ Burger blind or something? -- Vang0 really had to retract everything they’d said about Burger being the dumb one in the group because they’d apparently missed the fact that their boyfriend was fucking color blind, that explained why he had trouble with stop lights at lea- no, wait, the lights had a set order, that was still just Burger being an idiot, retraction retracted, some things never changed, 

And luckily the cam-eye was a pretty easy fix, just a bit of soldering to hold some loose wires in place, the most difficult part was getting Burger to hold still while Vang0 held a hot soldering iron next to his face -- they weren’t really in the mood to burn him right now, at least not physically, so stop squirming, don’t glare at them like that they were doing him a favor -- and after about twenty minutes of work Burger could properly appreciate Vang0’s neon jacket as he should, and he maybe pecked a quick thank-you kiss to their lips, and Vang0 maybe leaned down for a not so quick you’re-welcome kiss, and maybe they didn’t actually get around to finishing the movie that night but that was fine because it really wasn’t any good anyways.

4.

Burger hadn’t been as enthusiastic as normal about accompanying Dasha on the latest job she’d found, which, understandable, cramps were the worst, but in her experience she always felt better when she could make other people bleed along with her so he should “get out of bed already, come on Burgs I brought you a Capri-Sun and everything, there we go, I got the details from Hypo it should be a relatively straightforward beat down, just some assholes causing trouble for the clinic, don’t you think bashing some heads in would make you feel better, yes _right now_ it’s almost noon”,

So it was a bit of an ordeal but she _finally_ managed to bully Burger into driving her to the D1pp1n’ D0ts where their latest targets liked to hang out -- and wow, they really were scraping the bottom of the barrel with these guys huh, why couldn’t Hypo set them up to fight someone cool for once, it’d make Vang0 happy at least -- and they went back and forth a couple times with the requisite “ _leave Hypo alone or else_ ,” “ _we’re not gonna listen ‘cause we’re morons_ ” bit before getting down to business doing what they’d actually come there for which was to let off some steam,

And Dasha knew she could get a little tetchy when the PMS kicked in real bad but Burger was on some next level shit today, she barely had to do more than stay out of his way as he went at the three guys like a semi-truck, honestly she almost felt bad for them -- almost -- as he tossed the first one through the display glass where they smacked their head on the register and went limp, broke a chair over the second one’s head and drove a couple kicks into their gut once they were on the ground, picked up the last by the back of their jacket like an unruly kitten and shook them until they stammered out a promise to leave Hypo alone, dropped them unceremoniously onto their ass on the floor and turned to grin at Dasha as she applauded politely -- oh _shit_ didn’t see as the one still conscious brought out a garrote aug and made to loop it around Burger’s neck, Dasha reached for her pistol and shouted a warning but she knew it would be too late _fuck_ \--

And Burger was whipping around faster than she’d seen anyone move and tackling the guy as they brought up the garrote and then the two of them were on the ground and there was a flash of red and a horrible choked off gurgle and both of them went still and for one terrifying moment Dasha thought the blood spreading across the floor might be her partner’s until

Burger pushed himself into a sitting position, wiped the blood from his mouth as he -- what the _actual fuck_ \-- chewed and swallowed the chunk of flesh he’d ripped out of the guy’s neck, groaned a little as he took her outstretched hand and pulled himself to his feet, grinned at her through bloodstained teeth and thanked her for inviting him along, a good fight was just what he’d needed to put himself back to rights, does she want to get back to Hypo right away or does she want some ice cream first,

And honestly Dasha was too relieved that Burger was okay to worry about a bit of light cannibalism, and the mango d0ts _were_ looking real tasty right now, so she flagged down the cashier from where they were poking at the first guy with a serving spoon and ordered “a large tropical mix, to go if you don’t mind, so sorry about all the mess,” before following Burger back to the van.

5.

Vang0 was pretty pleased with themself, honestly, as they reviewed the plan they’d made with Dasha for the two year anniversary of Burger’s first job with her -- she’d gotten in touch with the owner of a nice vintage restaurant they’d helped out a while back and snagged them a reservation, Vang0 had hacked into the schedule for Dasha’s favorite drive-in movie place so they’d be playing some old Winona Ryder movies, now it was just a matter of double checking that everyone’s calendars were clear today -- and well, hmm, that might be a problem, today landed smack dab in the middle of the five days Burger marked out with little frowny-faces each month, that explained why he wasn’t here yet they supposed -- and while he was usually a good sport about going along with plans even if he felt like shit, this was supposed to be a good time, and it would hardly be fair to expect Burger to enjoy himself at dinner and a movie when he’d rather be at home in bed, so

Vang0 sent Dasha a _whoops, we’re gonna have to switch some stuff around_ along with a screenshot of the calendar and checked to see if the restaurant did takeout (they did, nice), and didn’t reverse the hack job they’d done for the movies because they’d worked hard to arrange such a nice schedule and the people deserved to benefit from their generosity, and started seeing what bootlegged movies they could download off unfortunately-still-Juwumtwash on short notice to watch at home, and overall

Vang0 thought they’d done a pretty good job with the whole _changing plans last minute because their boyfriend was on his period and felt like shit_ thing, but Dasha told them to check in with Burger about it anyways, and Vang0 was self aware enough to realize that she was probably smarter about the whole interpersonal communication stuff than they were so they brought it up with Burger, and instead of being appropriately appreciative of their efforts he frowned slightly, asked if Vang0 knew what time of the month it was, “you know how I get on my cycle, maybe we should postpone or something, I’m gonna be a beast to deal with tonight especially and you guys don’t hafta put up with me growling all night,”

And yeah, sure, they didn’t _have_ to, but honestly, Burger didn’t get so bad as all that, and they were “fine with having a lowkey night in, Dasha and I just thought it’d be nice to spend time with you, we won’t care if you’re a little grouchy,” and Burger huffed out a overly dramatic resigned sigh, grinned down at them and slung his arm around Vang0’s shoulders, snagged Dasha’s hand to drag her into the hug and pressed a kiss to her jaw as he asked if they “could maybe get real meat for dinner, the imitation stuff is fine usually but wouldn’t it be funny to have real burgers, ya know, like a burger party at Burger’s party,” 

And Dasha rolled her eyes but agreed, and Vang0 let Burger know that he was lucky they liked him so much because that was just a completely atrocious pun, they should really slap him for that one, and Burger laughed at them and asked how they’d reach him from all the way down there and dodged the kick Vang0 aimed at his shins before darting in to peck a kiss on their cheek and heading towards the couch to nap for a few hours. 

+1

They were only an hour or so into _Beetlejuice_ when a timer went off on Burger’s agent and he started unbuttoning his shirt, which, what? Vang0 wasn’t about to start complaining about Burger getting naked, but the perfunctory way he was stripping and the complete lack of foreplay kinda made it seem like Burger wasn’t aiming to actually _do_ anything -- and sure, Vang0 understood that sometimes wearing clothes just wasn’t the vibe for the night, but the timer and the way Burger’s eye kept darting around the room kinda made it seem like he was waiting for something -- Dasha spoke up before Vang0 managed to recover from Burger casually shrugging off his shirt, asked Burger what, exactly, he was doing, “you know I always appreciate free tickets to the gun show but do you really want to fool around on your period, that’s going to be so messy, we should at least put down a towel or something,” and

Burger paused with one leg out of his jeans, furrowed his brow, asked Dasha what “the hell are you talkin’ about, I’ve been on T for over a decade, haven’t gotten my period in almost as long, it’s only that I’d just as soon prefer that my clothes don’t get shredded come moonrise, is all,” and by the time Vang0 finished puzzling that one out -- connected the dots with how the >:(‘s on the calendar each month lined up with the full moons, remembered those passcode locked forums on Jumptrash with the odd werewolf maybe-not-actually-roleplays, flashed back to Dasha (a bit impressed, a bit freaked out) telling him about that peak Burger brain action that went down at the ice cream place last month -- Burger had tossed the last of his clothing in a haphazard pile by the TV and gone over to the window, reached for the blinds and (“hey wait, Burger hold up a sec-”) drew them up so the light of the full moon washed over him, and 

The change wasn’t instant and it sure as hell wasn’t pretty -- there was the snap of ligaments and the horrible grind of bone against bone as Burger fell to his knees, trembling fingers reached up to undo the latches on his jaw so it fell to the floor with a clatter, his tongue hung loose towards his neck as he gasped for breath, his skin stretched unnaturally and tore around his various augments as bone and muscle shifted and hair thickened and teeth and nails lengthened and it was wrong wrong _wrong_ , and Burger’s eye was screwed shut and he was shaking and panting and clearly in pain but terrifyingly _horribly_ silent -- and then, as suddenly as it had begun, it was over, and where Burger had fallen to the floor there lay 

A fuck-off huge wolf. Vang0’s boyfriend was -- a werewolf. Okay. Okay okay okay. The wolf ( _Burger_ , that was Burger laying there, bleeding and twitching on the floor) looked up at them, eye flicking between where Vang0 sat frozen and slack jawed and where Dasha stood with her pistol hanging limp at her side, and Vang0 could almost hear the pieces falling into place in Burger’s head as his tail curled between his legs and he scooted back against the wall and whimpered just a little and oh _fuck_ this noise, Vang0 pushed themself to their feet as Dasha dropped her pistol like it had burned her -- good thing the safety was back on, that was terrible gun ettiquette right there -- 

And the two of them reached Burger at nearly the same time, and Burger stayed perfectly, horribly still as Dasha crouched in front of him, and when she reached out to tentatively stroke a hand up across his face and down the back of his head it came away wet with blood from where his cam-eye had cut into the socket, and Vang0 forced a weak chuckle as they admitted that “we probably should have figured the whole werewolf thing out earlier, huh? You alright there Burger?” -- and Burger’s ears perked up and his tail slowly thumped against the floor and then Vang0 was collapsing to the ground as their arms were suddenly full of three hundred pounds of wolf, and they couldn’t even be mad about it, really, because

Burger was licking their face as Vang0 halfheartedly tried to shove him off them, and his tail was thumping against Dasha’s leg as she laughed at Vang0’s suffering, which, “way to show who the real monster is here, you’re a horrible girlfriend,” and (“wait no, Burgs don’t- bad dog, _bad dog_ ”) Dasha was bodily tackling him as he lunged at the poor food delivery guy who had just knocked on the door -- hey, at least Vang0 could get up to pay for it now, could wolves eat burgers? eh, it’d probably be fine -- and eventually they got the food sorted and the movie playing again and if the neighbors had anything to say about Burger barking excitedly every time Lisa (or whatever Winona Ryder’s character was called, Vang0 didn’t remember) appeared on the screen they could take it up with him.


End file.
